Back to basics

So, after trying Overeaters Anonymous in 2015 and CBT for Eating Disorders in 2016, I tried Weight Watchers online again in late 2016 and early 2017. My psychiatrist even prescribed a couple of anti-binge eating medications, which just made me too anxious after a few months–and I have enough anxiety as it is!

In 2017 I wanted to try something new, and focus on my mental facets of emotional eating, so I tried the Noom program.  Couldn’t commit.  Then I tried Lark, because it was supposed to save time having to type in all your food–it used AI to interpret your food into red, yellow, and green categories.  Tried Lifesum, but wasn’t into it.

So…now I am back at Weight Watchers and found a really great group of people and leaders in Midtown East.  I’m focusing on my thought patterns and trying to feel more gratitude for the good things in my life.  I’m actually doing WW “homework” this time: started a journal of the exercises and tools that are discussed in meetings and in the weeklies.  I’ve joined a FB group that my leader admins and I’m using Connect, posting, liking, asking for advice.

I had a few months of less negative self-talk, but last week I entered a difficult period on all fronts and starting having really bad thoughts again. Trying to bring it back and keep positive.  My leader said something about not wallowing.  That’s what I’ve been doing since 2014…wallowing in my pain and shame and not moving forward.  I want to learn, grow, and move forward.  I also just turned 40 and I want this to be a year where I learn to be confident with myself, even if life is messy most of the time. I’m not perfect.  I’m human.  I AM ENOUGH.


disgusted but still not motivated

I’ve been reading about emotional eating in this book, but still do it anyway.  I notice myself craving the numb, mindless feeling I get when scarfing three Quaker Chewy Chocolate Chip bars, or two Yolatos, or half of my daughter’s birthday cake.  Why can’t I have just one thing/bite/piece?  I get so disgusted with myself, but I realize that I really don’t like some things about my life right now.  Feeling like I don’t have time to exercise because of the constant chores, work, pumping, and breastfeeding.  Feeling like my husband and brother are just as overwhelmed as I am.  I think that’s why I crave the happy, numb feeling I get from binging.  I think I’ll have to find a way to make myself feel happier at home (or at least distract myself from high PPV foods and have 0 point options instead!), otherwise I’ll just keep binging like this and make myself more unhappy.

Today at my weigh in I was up 2 pounds.  At least it took me a few days to go through my 49 extra points instead of just one day like the week before.  I went to Century 21 afterwards to get my husband a replacement shoulder bag/briefcase and saw two handbags that just screamed “buy me!”  But instead of getting one, or both, I’m using them as motivation, since my goal of getting back into my 135 lb clothes doesn’t seem to be motivation enough.

I saw a pool blue version of this one from Foley+Corinna and this one from Gryson.  I love getting bags discounted at Century, even if they are from past seasons.  As a reward, I’ll get one if I lose 5% and the other when I lose 10%, which will also bring me to my goal weight.  I find myself getting a little more materialistic as I’m getting older…I wonder why that is.  But, maybe it will motivate me more than just “being healthy” and “being a good role model” will.

What do you do when you’re unhappy but unmotivated?

Reasons I want to lose weight

I have to constantly remind myself why I want to lose weight, because I completely forget when I’m in a pre-binge state.

  1. Feel good about myself
  2. Be healthy
  3. Be a positive role model for my daughters
  4. Be proud of the way I look
  5. Fit into smaller clothes
  6. Have more energy
  7. Not have my thighs rub together so much when I wear skirts or dresses! I was reminded of this yesterday…ouch.
  8. Feel in control
  9. Enjoy food without going overboard
  10. Not be ashamed of myself
  11. Like the way I look in pictures, especially with my family

I’ve noticed that some of these reasons sound more healthy and some sound a bit narcissistic, but I think I’ll feel a whole lot better about myself if I do get back to a healthy weight.

At my Weight Watchers meetings a few weeks ago we talked about having an “anchor”.  Something you could hold, think about, say, or remember to remind you of what you are striving for.  I still haven’t been able to choose one…what’s your anchor?