3. Made a decision to entrust our will and our lives to the care of the collective wisdom and resources of those who have searched before us.
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I’m so tired of trying to lose weight and not binge on my own and being unsuccessful. I need help from others who have entrusted their will to the OA fellowship and have been abstinent.
However, I’m very independent, selfish, and prideful. If I achieve something, I want the credit for it. And I want other people to see me as “doing a great job.” I care a lot about what other people think of me. But weight and food are two areas where I’ve always struggled. It’s time for me to do something different. It’s time for me to surrender.
I was just reading this article in the New York Times by Diana Spechler from March about depression, weight, body image, and going off her meds. Here are some excerpts that resonated with me.
I eat and eat until I’m horrified by all the eating I’ve done. I eat more. I speed-eat. I’m in a Dorito-eating contest with myself…On bupropion, food didn’t hold the appeal it had once held. It became a bit of a chore, chewing food. For the first time in my life, I would forget to have lunch, leave burritos half uneaten, find myself unable to finish dessert. It should be reflexive — to eat when we’re hungry, to stop when we’re satisfied — but this was the first time I could remember my brain receiving those messages. A genie had granted the wish that I had been making since I was a teenager: Release me from my food fixation…I wish that I’d aged out of this. I wish that my feminism protected me from this. But I’ll likely wind up dieting again, doing calorie math in my head, because few things make me feel as hopeful or invigorated.
Over the last few days and weeks I realized that I really hate myself so much. I’m so ashamed of my life. But instead of hurting or killing myself I stuff myself with food until I’m numb and high and my record-player thoughts slow down. But the fix is short-lived and then I hate myself again until my mouth is stuffed again.
It was really rough with my in-laws staying with us. My mother-in-law criticizes my father-in-law about his eating, which made me feel self-conscious about my own. She also talked about her grandparents who were survivors of WWII who just kept going despite the trauma, which made me feel bad that my mom committed suicide, and that I have suicidal tendencies.
I don’t think the Viibryd (vilazodone) is helping. My therapist recommended Lamictal, which is really a mood stabilizer. Need to meet with my psychiatrist again. I’m still so unhappy about my weight, our financial situation, our dumpy apartment and long commute, parenting, and my career prospects. I realized over the last 18 months I spent about $750 on Weight Watchers and didn’t meet any of my goals. I’m going to try Overeaters Anonymous, tracking food on my FitBit app, which is free. I asked my husband to do the dishes because when I’m in the kitchen I just binge ridiculously. I’m going to do my exercises for my hip and core and glutes, and buy a new Just Dance game for the Wii.
Related to my quandary over artificial versus natural foods, I’ve been trying to eat fewer processed foods–specifically vending machine junk! The problem is, I buy fruit and yogurt and it sits in the fridge–sometimes it just doesn’t cut it. So then I had the bright idea of buying “healthier” snack food to keep at the office. But…I ate the whole box in one sitting! Individually wrapped things don’t seem to deter me from scarfing them down. So, any ideas on what to do?
I’ve been reading about emotional eating in this book, but still do it anyway. I notice myself craving the numb, mindless feeling I get when scarfing three Quaker Chewy Chocolate Chip bars, or two Yolatos, or half of my daughter’s birthday cake. Why can’t I have just one thing/bite/piece? I get so disgusted with myself, but I realize that I really don’t like some things about my life right now. Feeling like I don’t have time to exercise because of the constant chores, work, pumping, and breastfeeding. Feeling like my husband and brother are just as overwhelmed as I am. I think that’s why I crave the happy, numb feeling I get from binging. I think I’ll have to find a way to make myself feel happier at home (or at least distract myself from high PPV foods and have 0 point options instead!), otherwise I’ll just keep binging like this and make myself more unhappy.
Today at my weigh in I was up 2 pounds. At least it took me a few days to go through my 49 extra points instead of just one day like the week before. I went to Century 21 afterwards to get my husband a replacement shoulder bag/briefcase and saw two handbags that just screamed “buy me!” But instead of getting one, or both, I’m using them as motivation, since my goal of getting back into my 135 lb clothes doesn’t seem to be motivation enough.
I saw a pool blue version of this one from Foley+Corinna and this one from Gryson. I love getting bags discounted at Century, even if they are from past seasons. As a reward, I’ll get one if I lose 5% and the other when I lose 10%, which will also bring me to my goal weight. I find myself getting a little more materialistic as I’m getting older…I wonder why that is. But, maybe it will motivate me more than just “being healthy” and “being a good role model” will.
What do you do when you’re unhappy but unmotivated?