ups and downs, but more ups

My hip is feeling much better, which I’m grateful for.  This week I finally started biking again, which feels good.  I also started physical therapy and water aerobics.  My hips feel a little sore but not too bad.  Two weeks ago I was down a pound a half, but I missed WW last week due to work and a family emergency, and this week I was up slightly, which wasn’t really a surprise.

hip injury

I’ve been limping for a week now and it’s very frustrating.  My hips have always been creaky, every since I was a teenage and danced six days a week.  But in 2012 I had serious problems after flying to London with my almost 2-year-old on my lap for 7 hours.  When I finally got up my hips felt like they were burning.  When we got home I went to an orthopaedist who said I had bone spurs on my hips. I started physically therapy for my hip pain–I had already been doing physical therapy for my plantar fasciitis for a few months.  Since the fall of 2012 my hips have felt pretty good.  They didn’t really hurt during or after my second pregnancy.  I do sleep with a pillow between my legs ever since having my first daughter, though, since my hips just feel too far apart for my legs now.Embed from Getty Images

Now the hip pain feels a bit different–sharper and more localized–and my doctor suggested I get an MRI.  I wonder if it’s a labral tear?  I should find out today or Monday.  Until then I’m using a cane to get to and from work on the train and subway!  It’s so frustrating and is making it almost impossible for me to do my usual exercise: stair climbing, yoga, bicycle riding, and my plank challenge.  Yesterday at my WW meeting, some other members suggested I use hand weights or keep myself busy with other hand-related activities to keep myself from eating mindlessly.  Any other tips?  I was up two pounds this week, which puts me over where I started back in December!  Argh!!!

processed foods

Related to my quandary over artificial versus natural foods, I’ve been trying to eat fewer processed foods–specifically vending machine junk! The problem is, I buy fruit and yogurt and it sits in the fridge–sometimes it just doesn’t cut it.  So then I had the bright idea of buying “healthier” snack food to keep at the office.  But…I ate the whole box in one sitting!  Individually wrapped things don’t seem to deter me from scarfing them down.  So, any ideas on what to do?

exercising more but still eating like crazy

I’ve been exercising more, but I’m also breastfeeding and pumping less, and I’m still binging.  So I’m back up to my heaviest weight post-baby #2, and only 0.4 pounds less than post-baby #1. 😦   I’m now 1 pound heavier than when I came back to Weight Watchers in December 2013, post-baby #2.

I really do beat myself up inside.  I feel like such a failure.  Though the WW receptionist today was really sweet and helpful.  She reminded me that it happens, I’m thinking about it, trying something new, coming to meetings, and getting support.  Who knows, maybe if I hadn’t been going to meetings since December I would have gained 10 pounds instead of one…

I think what I really need is to find ways to soothe myself without food.  I need to find other things to enjoy.  And to remember that nothing tastes as good as thin feels.  I think I also need to drink more water.  I’m so thirsty all the time.

I’ve been thinking about doing Simply Filling for a few days to kind of reset my mind and hopefully decrease my sweet tooth a bit.  It’s been months since I first thought of it, but I think I’m actually going to do it.

I’m going to try to decrease the negative self-talk and turn it into positive challenges.  Here are some examples from the Mayo Clinic:


  • Practice positive self-talk. Start by following one simple rule: Don’t say anything to yourself that you wouldn’t say to anyone else. Be gentle and encouraging with yourself. If a negative thought enters your mind, evaluate it rationally and respond with affirmations of what is good about you.

Here are some examples of negative self-talk and how you can apply a positive thinking twist to them:

Putting positive thinking into practice

Negative self-talk Positive thinking
I’ve never done it before. It’s an opportunity to learn something new.
It’s too complicated. I’ll tackle it from a different angle.
I don’t have the resources. Necessity is the mother of invention.
I’m too lazy to get this done. I wasn’t able to fit it into my schedule, but I can re-examine some priorities.
There’s no way it will work. I can try to make it work.
It’s too radical a change. Let’s take a chance.
No one bothers to communicate with me. I’ll see if I can open the channels of communication.
I’m not going to get any better at this. I’ll give it another try.


I’ve been depressed that I didn’t meet my 5% goal by my youngest’s first birthday.  So I’m going to set new goals:

  • Lose 5% by Halloween.
  • Lose 10% by New Year’s.
  • Get to my goal weight (-20 pounds) by my birthday (March 1, 2015)

I’ll give it another try!!!


My youngest daughter is about to turn one on Friday.  It’s been tough for me to adjust to being a working mom of two.  I find that I spent so much time this past year just trying to survive and get enough sleep to function the next day that I haven’t had much time to focus on anything just for me. I’m going to try to have more balance this coming year; if I’m happy and feel like I get to do some things that I enjoy, I hope that will rub off on the time that I do spend with my family.

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I took my first non-baby, non-family, non-prenatal, regular adult-only yoga class on Saturday morning, and I loved it! I used muscles I haven’t used in probably two years.  I challenged myself, but didn’t go too crazy.  I’ve been sore for the past two days–even my armpits are sore!  As I pump less and less at work I’m going to try to take a class or two on my lunch break, too.  Maybe Pilates, too.  I’m really looking forward to feeling strong and fit again!  And I just found out my company might start Weigh Watchers at work, which would be convenient and save me money that I could spend on yoga and Pilates classes. 🙂  I do like getting lots of steps on my FitBit walking all the way down to my WW meeting, though…

So, I didn’t reach my goal of losing 5% of my weight by her 1st birthday.  In fact, I’ve almost crept back up (yo-yo-ing) to my return-to-work weight.  On Thursday when I weighed in and saw that I gained back the 1.4 that I’d lost the previous week I was really sad.  I just kept thinking how disappointed I am in myself.  I keep repeating the same negative self-talk in my head: “You were only 7 pounds away from your goal after giving birth, and now you’re 17 pounds away!  What kind of idiot eats so much after having a baby?”  But then Friday I thought, “Enough!” What’s done is done.  I want to reach my goal, and it might take a little more time, but I was busy nurturing my children, returning to work, getting through the baby period, and applying to graduate school, and now I can spend more time on nurturing myself.  I need to stop comparing myself to my sister-in-law and other skinny people at work and on the street.  I am me.  No one else.  I successfully lost weight after my first daughter.  Really it was the most successful I’ve ever been at achieving a healthy weight since college.  I can do it again if I put my mind to it.  There, I said it.  I can do it!

work and school

I found out last week that I got into a graduate program that I applied to.  I’m really happy, but nervous about balancing it with work, my family, and my weight loss and health goals.  I plan on using Citibike to get from work to school (before it starts snowing), so at least I’ll get some exercise in. We’re working on sleep with my youngest, so hopefully come September, I’ll actually have some time in the evenings to study.  And I have my commute time to read.

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depression, hormones, and medications affecting weight

Sometimes I wonder how much my hormones and medications I take affect my weight.  I feel so stressed all the time that I wonder if my cortisol levels are high.  I remember my mom pushing me to get my thyroid tested to see if that was leading to my weight gain in college and then graduate school.  I think my results showed that things weren’t quite average, but not so far out of the normal range.  And then I’ve been on SSRIs and norepinephrine reuptake inhibitors (NRI, NERIs) for almost all of my adult life, and many of them have side effects of weight gain.  Also while breastfeeding I’ve also taken domperidone (DPD) to help with my milk supply, and weight gain is also a side effect.

depression ozanWhen I had success on Weight Watchers in 2011-2012 and hit my lifetime goal I had been off Zoloft for a few months.  All the other times I was unsuccessful at WW and Jenny Craig I was on anti-depressants.  I’m trying to taper off of Zoloft again to see if that helps, but now I’m feeling more depressed again.  My psychiatrist mentioned a few other anti-depressants with no weight gain side effects, but they aren’t compatible with breastfeeding.  I just tapered slowly off of DPD, but I’m still having trouble resisting my urge to binge.  I feel kind of down and wish that I had more time for myself to exercise and prepare healthy foods.  My youngest daughter is almost one, so I plan on gradually weaning soon.  Now that I’m not breastfeeding her and pumping as much I want to start taking yoga classes again.  I think if we can all get some more sleep in our home that will help too.  I wish I had more success at managing my weight when I was single and childless so that I wouldn’t feel so overwhelmed now.

Has anyone else noticed a connection between their depression/medications/hormones and weight? What can we do to still have success at losing weight even with depression?  Sometimes I feel like there are so many things stacked against me, how can I still succeed?  I feel like I can’t talk about all of these things at my WW meetings, so I need to get some advice elsewhere…

Picture via Ozan

sedentary hobbies?

I’ve had it in my mind (I think from my mom) that it’s a bad idea to spend too much time on sedentary hobbies, like knitting and reading, which I really enjoy, since I should be more active to stay healthy and happy.  For instance, couldn’t it be better for my weight loss to spend what little time I have exercising instead of reading? But, at least knitting keeps my hands busy, so that I can’t eat mindlessly, unlike when I’m reading or watching TV.  Maybe I should start knitting again.  I want to knit my youngest a striped ear-flap hat for next winter.  I got a pattern on Etsy, and finally bought some yarn for it, but I haven’t started it yet.

Although it’s been hard to find time in the evenings since my youngest daughter is up every 45 minutes, and one of us has to go in to help her back to sleep.  My daughters share a room and it’s been hard on all of us, I think.  I’ve heard from other parents that it will get easier when she’s around 18 months old, which is 7 months away!  My oldest didn’t start sleeping better until she was close to 2 years old.  Sigh. We had done some sleep training in February when my youngest was still in the co-sleeper in our bedroom, in preparation for moving her to the girls’ room.  That was hard, too, but worked out OK until we put them in the same room.  Now we’re back to holding her to soothe her to sleep because my oldest wakes up crying if she hears the youngest crying…

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Maybe I’ll try to knit on my commute.  There’s a woman at my Weight Watchers meeting who knits during the meetings.

Do you have any strong opinions on sedentary versus active hobbies and activities?

disgusted but still not motivated

I’ve been reading about emotional eating in this book, but still do it anyway.  I notice myself craving the numb, mindless feeling I get when scarfing three Quaker Chewy Chocolate Chip bars, or two Yolatos, or half of my daughter’s birthday cake.  Why can’t I have just one thing/bite/piece?  I get so disgusted with myself, but I realize that I really don’t like some things about my life right now.  Feeling like I don’t have time to exercise because of the constant chores, work, pumping, and breastfeeding.  Feeling like my husband and brother are just as overwhelmed as I am.  I think that’s why I crave the happy, numb feeling I get from binging.  I think I’ll have to find a way to make myself feel happier at home (or at least distract myself from high PPV foods and have 0 point options instead!), otherwise I’ll just keep binging like this and make myself more unhappy.

Today at my weigh in I was up 2 pounds.  At least it took me a few days to go through my 49 extra points instead of just one day like the week before.  I went to Century 21 afterwards to get my husband a replacement shoulder bag/briefcase and saw two handbags that just screamed “buy me!”  But instead of getting one, or both, I’m using them as motivation, since my goal of getting back into my 135 lb clothes doesn’t seem to be motivation enough.

I saw a pool blue version of this one from Foley+Corinna and this one from Gryson.  I love getting bags discounted at Century, even if they are from past seasons.  As a reward, I’ll get one if I lose 5% and the other when I lose 10%, which will also bring me to my goal weight.  I find myself getting a little more materialistic as I’m getting older…I wonder why that is.  But, maybe it will motivate me more than just “being healthy” and “being a good role model” will.

What do you do when you’re unhappy but unmotivated?

meal planning

Had a rough beginning to the week–our 13-year-old dog died.  But she was a great dog and lived a good life.

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After a month of plateaus or slight gains I was actually down 1.4 at my meeting this week! Yay! I’ve been trying to do better at prepping vegetables for dinner the night before. My brother helps out by cooking, and I think he appreciates having the veggies prepped and labeled. Since we belong to a CSA, we get lots of veggies each week and my husband and brother aren’t always sure what they are.

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In 2012 we tried using the Fresh 20. The meal plans help you save money and plan meals using mostly fresh ingredients. I liked it but found it didn’t really work out when we get our CSA veggies or when I had a newborn at home.

I’m still struggling with finding the time to prep and cook while working and mothering two kids under 5 (my daughter turns 4 on Sunday!).

Any advice?