another obsession

Warning: some sexual content and obscenities below (no pictures, just text).  Please do not read unless you are comfortable reading about sex, masturbation, pornography, and what might be considered sex work. 

So, this week has been a busy one:  I went to my first OA meeting and wrote a bit about that.  I went to my psychiatrist and agreed to give Zoloft another try, with the addition of Ritalin to keep me from jumping around in my head from anxious thought to anxious thought, and to perhaps snip some of the expected weight gain in the bud.  Still getting used to the Ritalin though; I do feel a bit too hyped-up, and when I took it first thing in the morning it made me feel panicky, so I ended up taking a half a Klonopin, which might have defeated the purpose.

I went back to my chiropractor since last October, since I had been doing physical therapy for my hip and was feeling overwhelmed by appointments and stressed by missing too much work or home stuff.  Then had some mild kid sickness issues, but ending up having a nice afternoon with the girls.  Glad my workplace is so flexible!

Which brings me to a phone “interview” with a mutual acquaintance at a big insurance company.  She really liked my resume and wants to shuffle some things around in her department to accommodate my leadership and analytical skills!  Going to meet her for coffee in two weeks after her vacation to see if it’s as good as a fit as it sounds.  I might be able to do more stimulating work (which I seem to need since I spend too much time at my current job blogging and doing personal things online…), get paid more, and be able to work remotely 2 or 3 days a week!

Since I confirmed with my hip surgeon today that I can stop PT, I joined a Planet Fitness  near my office (only $10/month!) and went one morning before work.

Now that I’ve gotten through the usual, let’s get to what’s really on my mind this week: sex.  Posting those pics of me over the years reminded me that there was a time before I started dating my husband when I was seriously addicted to online porn and masturbation.  I had lots of fantasies about being double-penetrated and tied up.  I took anonymous (no face) sexual pictures of myself and posted them on some amateur sites and even messaged with some people.  I bought lots of sex toys and felt so much pleasure, but I still had conflicted feelings about my body image.  On the one hand, I thought I looked hot in some of the pictures I took (and LOVED getting positive feedback from others), but on the other hand, I was still ashamed that I was overweight.  I was even “size-prejudiced” in my own porn consumption:  I loved looking a pictures of slim, busty women and buff guys.  I almost considered meeting someone I met online to have a sexual encounter, but didn’t go through with it.  I was having a bad time dating on traditional sites, but still craved contact…

Then I started dating my husband and slowly masturbated less and less and hardly looked at online porn.  I threw away my vibrators and dildos.  I thought we should be “enough” for each other sexually.  We picked a date for our wedding even though I loathed the thought of dress shopping and having pictures taken of me at that size.

Then when I was pregnant for the first time and had those awful panic attacks for four weeks, I found a picture of a naked skinny girl on our computer.  I confronted my husband about it and cried and cried.  Here I was suffering: unable to work, eat, read, sleep, or doing anything but rock, shake, and pace–with our unborn child inside of me–and my husband was jerking off to a small-titted bitch.  I felt so betrayed.  He apologized, and I implored him to not download pictures to our shared computer for me to see.  I realized he probably needed a major release from the constant worry of taking care of me those 4 horrible weeks.

Since then, I’ve had serious ups and downs with my sexual desire, most likely related to adjusting to parenthood, lack of sleep, my continued anxiety, depression, weight gain, and negative body image, and my semi-alcoholic and majorly panicky brother living in our living room.

But…now we’ve been having amazing sex again.  In May I had an orgasm that lasted for what felt like 5 minutes, I saw colors and was almost paralyzed by pleasure.  My husband had expressed interest in the past of taking sexy pics of me, but I was always too ashamed, and didn’t want my face in the picture, in case someone I knew found the pics.  But I’ve been watching Orange is the New Black, Younger, and reading some chick lit (normally I’m more into the New Yorker!), and feeling my kinks bubbling up again.  In both OITNB and Younger, the characters start or attempt to sell dirty panties.  Vice reports that

“Google trends shows the search term “sell used panties” experienced the biggest global spike ever following the June 12 premiere of Orange Is the New Black‘s third season.”

The idea instantly and crazily appealed to me.  I like to blog & design simple websites, I always wanted to sell something online, I wanted to make money creatively, I love the smell of my dirty underwear, and I need some external positive feedback that my overweight body is still sexy and that many people would want to have sex with me or fantasize about me.  Wait.  Does that sound like crazy low self-esteem talk?  As a happily married, intellectual, feminist, working mother of two girls in the 21st century, do I really want to start doing what is essentially sex work?  Maybe I do.  It can be anonymous.  I can involve my husband in taking the pictures of me in my panties–which he’s always wanted to do.  I can do it all by mail and never in person.  I can create a separate user account on my computer so that my kids and babysitter won’t see naked pics of me. It gets me really excited just thinking about it.  In fact, I’ve been obsessing about it the last week.  Researching other sites and methods, ordering new panties, picking a pseudonym, setting up a new email account, website & twitter account, etc.  I used my phone at work so much yesterday that I ran out of power at 3pm.  That never happens to me.

BUT. Thinking about the OA meeting and podcasts, and seeing my therapist later today, I can’t help but think that I’m replacing my obsession with food with an obsession with sex.  And I still have an unhealthy/disjointed body image.  And I’d be contributing to the objectification of women, right?  But if we’re all aware and willing it’s ok, right? As Dan Savage would say, I’m trying to be “sex positive” and GGG (Good, Giving, and Game) about this.  And Googling him I just see that he was named Humanist of the Year in 2013.  I’m a Humanist, too!  Now I’ll be really crazy and think that this is a sign that my OA Higher Power is telling me to trade this obsession for my old one until I can learn some non-obsessive coping mechanisms…