I decided that OA wasn’t for me. I’m seeking outpatient help from an eating disorder clinic. Just had my first intake interview. A lot of tears thinking about much of my now 38 years has been spent thinking about food, weight, and my body size. Since the crane collapse in Tribeca on my old office block in February I’ve been eating with abandon. A man my age died, and my friends and former co-workers were traumatized. I felt horrible because for years when I’m unhappy I wish I’d get hit by a bus. And now a crazy accident did happen…and I was so sorry that I’ve wished to be killed so many times. I don’t really want to die, I just don’t want to hate myself.