4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
I feel like I’ve been doing this for 20+ years. I know my faults to a tee; however, I don’t seem to have been able to do anything about them. I think they’ve even gotten worse since I’ve become a parent.
Embed from Getty ImagesI think I’ll still cry a ton when I actually sit to write down my inventory all at once. I like to think that I’m generous and empathetic, but with each passing year I feel like I get more and more selfish and insecure. I still feel anxious around people, which keeps from from making or maintaining meaningful connections.
At Friday’s OA meeting (my first in several weeks), I shared and felt like no one really shared in my pain. But one woman wrote that she was available to sponsor, so I texted her. After a day she wrote back that we could talk about her sponsoring style. I’m curious what it will be like. I don’t think I’m ready to email someone about my food every day. I think I need to focus on my spirituality and faith in my HP. Because I don’t see how I can abstain without some sort of HP…
Right now I just feel like I want to eat myself to death. I’ve also been drinking more. I really am struggling with taking care of the kids and chores after work. I just want to eat or drink and make it go away. I hate having to sleep on a camping cot in my daughters’ room to help my youngest go to sleep. I hate that my oldest has eczema in her school pictures. I hate that my hips and feet hurt so much, four years after starting PT for plantar fasciitis and one year after starting PT for a labral tear and 9 months after arthroscopic surgery.
I got a new job that relieves my financial anxieties and difficulties, but I’ve been in a 5-week limbo before I start. I’m mostly excited, but also sad and scared. I’ve been at my old job (3 positions) for 12 years. Like a cocoon, while I dealt with my mom’s suicide and my not wanting to have a wedding because of my size and weight. But of course I’m still not happy, and most days I still want to die…
You are not alone. Recovery is not the easier, softer way, but it will lead to the freedom we hear of in meetings. Like you, I am struggling. We are not alone and there is power in empathy and community. ((((Hugs))))
Thanks Alayna. I just feel overwhelmed by my life sometimes but I’m trying to accept help from others now. Thanks for your virtual hug 🙂
Accepting help is hard. Surrender happens in so many ways in program.