OA Step 4

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

I feel like I’ve been doing this for 20+ years.  I know my faults to a tee; however, I don’t seem to have been able to do anything about them.  I think they’ve even gotten worse since I’ve become a parent.

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I think I’ll still cry a ton when I actually sit to write down my inventory all at once.  I like to think that I’m generous and empathetic, but with each passing year I feel like I get more and more selfish and insecure.  I still feel anxious around people, which keeps from from making or maintaining meaningful connections.

At Friday’s OA meeting (my first in several weeks), I shared and felt like no one really shared in my pain.  But one woman wrote that she was available to sponsor, so I texted her.  After a day she wrote back that we could talk about her sponsoring style.  I’m curious what it will be like.  I don’t think I’m ready to email someone about my food every day.  I think I need to focus on my spirituality and faith in my HP.  Because I don’t see how I can abstain without some sort of HP…

Right now I just feel like I want to eat myself to death.  I’ve also been drinking more.  I really am struggling with taking care of the kids and chores after work.  I just want to eat or drink and make it go away. I hate having to sleep on a camping cot in my daughters’ room to help my youngest go to sleep.  I hate that my oldest has eczema in her school pictures.  I hate that my hips and feet hurt so much, four years after starting PT for plantar fasciitis and one year after starting PT for a labral tear and 9 months after arthroscopic surgery.

I got a new job that relieves my financial anxieties and difficulties, but I’ve been in a 5-week limbo before I start.  I’m mostly excited, but also sad and scared.  I’ve been at my old job (3 positions) for 12 years.  Like a cocoon, while I dealt with my mom’s suicide and my not wanting to have a wedding because of my size and weight.  But of course I’m still not happy, and most days I still want to die…