As part of OA, we have to work the 12 steps. I’m using an agnostic set of steps, using the OA fellowship as my HP. I haven’t picked a sponsor yet, and I’ve only talked to a couple of people briefly. I think part of my disease is isolation and my social anxiety. I judge myself (and sometimes others) too harshly.
I wanted to write down my thoughts about each of the steps over the next few weeks.
1. We admitted we were powerless over food—that our lives had become unmanageable.
I really do admit that I am powerless over food. It consumes me. I think about it every few minutes, it seems. I really can’t manage it and it feels like it interferes with my emotional health, my physical health, work, school, my relationships with my friends and husband, and my kids and home life. I don’t believe in god, but in a way, food has been my god, and has ruled my thoughts and actions for so long.
Even though I’ve managed to get a meaningful job and get promoted twice, get married, have kids, and get accepted to a graduate school for the second time, I still feel like my life is unmanageable, because I still obsess over my body image, my weight, and food. I feel like I haven’t been able to live up to my potential because of my compulsive eating and the shame I feel about it. And that’s linked to my depression, anxiety, and poor self-esteem, which has caused me such grief over the last 20 years–really my whole life: 37 years.