I was just reading this article in the New York Times by Diana Spechler from March about depression, weight, body image, and going off her meds. Here are some excerpts that resonated with me.
I eat and eat until I’m horrified by all the eating I’ve done. I eat more. I speed-eat. I’m in a Dorito-eating contest with myself…On bupropion, food didn’t hold the appeal it had once held. It became a bit of a chore, chewing food. For the first time in my life, I would forget to have lunch, leave burritos half uneaten, find myself unable to finish dessert. It should be reflexive — to eat when we’re hungry, to stop when we’re satisfied — but this was the first time I could remember my brain receiving those messages. A genie had granted the wish that I had been making since I was a teenager: Release me from my food fixation…I wish that I’d aged out of this. I wish that my feminism protected me from this. But I’ll likely wind up dieting again, doing calorie math in my head, because few things make me feel as hopeful or invigorated.
Over the last few days and weeks I realized that I really hate myself so much. I’m so ashamed of my life. But instead of hurting or killing myself I stuff myself with food until I’m numb and high and my record-player thoughts slow down. But the fix is short-lived and then I hate myself again until my mouth is stuffed again.
It was really rough with my in-laws staying with us. My mother-in-law criticizes my father-in-law about his eating, which made me feel self-conscious about my own. She also talked about her grandparents who were survivors of WWII who just kept going despite the trauma, which made me feel bad that my mom committed suicide, and that I have suicidal tendencies.
I don’t think the Viibryd (vilazodone) is helping. My therapist recommended Lamictal, which is really a mood stabilizer. Need to meet with my psychiatrist again. I’m still so unhappy about my weight, our financial situation, our dumpy apartment and long commute, parenting, and my career prospects. I realized over the last 18 months I spent about $750 on Weight Watchers and didn’t meet any of my goals. I’m going to try Overeaters Anonymous, tracking food on my FitBit app, which is free. I asked my husband to do the dishes because when I’m in the kitchen I just binge ridiculously. I’m going to do my exercises for my hip and core and glutes, and buy a new Just Dance game for the Wii.